June 11, 2017

So the past two weeks have been a struggle…we are very low on money, so much so that I am looking for a second job, and I haven’t had the opportunity to be picky with what I eat.  I’m still doing what I feel is a good job though, staying away from certain foods and trying to follow my diet.  And its paid off. I am down 5 lbs, and I fit into a dress I bought last summer that I didn’t fit into then.  Needless to say, I am thrilled.

One thing has been bothering me, however, and that is my feet/ankles.  Despite losing weight, I’m still 348lbs and that is a lot for my feet to carry, so they hurt.  This makes me not want to walk and remain sedentary.  But I will not.  I will continue this journey.

Whats different this time around is I have no choice in the matter – I’m looking at it as though I am sick (which isn’t hard cause I feel sick several times a day, every day).  I am doing what I can to cure my sickness.  That includes walking, swimming, dieting, etc.

I believe a second job will help.  Right now, I work from home and sit on my ass all day processing claims.  I’m looking for part time retail jobs that will require me to stay on my feet and walk around all of the shift.  I think that will go a long way in helping me break through from a sedentary lifestyle to a more active one.  Despite feeling it will help, I still am incredibly sad and conflicted because I feel I shouldn’t need to work two jobs to make ends meet.  It depresses me that I’m back where I was ten years ago, except one of the jobs I’m working should be enough based on my salary.  Life is just too expensive.

The thing is, I’d like to be able to afford more than hot dogs and baked beans, or as my dad calls them “poor people food”, and be able to afford fruits and vegetables in spades.  I don’t want to keep robbing Peter to pay Paul.  I’m sick of this bullshit.  So a second job it is.

May 26, 2017

As per my previous post, this is starting again.

I’m doing fairly well since my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday.  Financial set backs have made it harder to buy all the fruits and vegetables I’d like, but there is enough on hand for me to get by.

For today, I am happy.  I am with the man I love, and he supports all I do.  He loves me despite the fact that I am the biggest I have ever been and in the worst condition I have ever been.  He calls me beautiful everyday, despite the fact that my size and condition of my body has left me with skin problems, excess facial hair, and of  course, extreme weight gain.  He is truly my rock.

I’m hoping his support never waivers, and I don’t think it will.  It means the world to me that he chose to ask me to marry him even when I am like this.  The fact that I didn’t have to get skinny to find true love is what makes me believe I can lose the weight in the first place- like even fat girls deserve to get what they want.

Starting Again

I’m always embarassed to write these ones.  The ones after I gave up and have decided to start again, bigger than I was before.  At least its only been two months…I’ve gone longer in the past.

Any way…a lot has happened since I last wrote.  I was hospitalized for pneumonia and RSV, something that was exacerbated by my underlying lung condition (PAP), making me feel the worst I’ve ever felt.  While in the hospital, it was found that I am literally a tenth of a point away from getting diabetes and I have fatty liver disease.  What does this mean?  I am now supposed to eat a no fat, no sugar, low carb diet in order to lose weight.

Something strange happened though.  This time, while I was in the doctor’s office for follow ups, he said I have to lose 2 pounds per month.  My first thought, was “okay, you can do this. In fact, you can do more than that.”  Its the first time I’ve believed in myself for a long time.  It felt good.

So I looked up no fats, already knowing to just avoid processed foods and sugars, and am going to count carbs more closely.

For so long, any diet has felt like a death sentence.  Oh, I have to give up this or that, its the end of the world.  The truth is, I have to adapt to a new way of eating/living.  I have to be healthy.  If I don’t, I will die.  Maybe not today or next month or even next year, but a lot sooner than I would have if I weren’t so fucking big.

Catching Up

So this one is going to be a longer post.  I’d like to put some stuff out there about what has landed me here.  Where I come from, if you will.

I’ve been a big girl as long as I can remember.  In pictures I was skinny and normal looking until about 8 or 9, and then a gut happened, and then a bulge under the gut, and then everything has spiraled from there that now I’m basically just…shapes.

I was made fun of for my size through elementary and high school, and although no one has ever said anything to me as an adult (thank you, Resting Bitch Face!) I receive sideways glances and snickers all the time.  These situations only make my want to stay home and avoid people worse, and they always have.

As a fourth grader, I was called “Shamu.”  As a sixth grader, “biggie.”  As a high schooler, “fat,” “chubby,” “gross,” and many other unkind and unfair terms that all centered around the fact that my 5’10” frame held an excess of body weight.  The insults eventually stopped, but the weight just climbed, and climbed as my self confidence spiraled and spiraled lower and lower.

As an adult, I’d begin new jobs and feel all eyes on me.  While no one ever said anything, the feeling of judgement was still strong, and it would effect my relationships wherever I was working at the time.  I’d take weeks to warm up to people and sometimes that is too long.

What people don’t realize is that even if you claim not to care about a person’s size, all humans are prone to judgement and knee jerk reactions.  When I go grocery shopping, everyone looks in my cart expecting to see piles of unhealthy food and sweets instead of the fruits, veggies, and grains they find there.  I get smirks from the waiters at restaurants and cashiers at fast food restaurants when I order something that is entirely becoming of a fat person – and equally damaging looks when I order something that isn’t.

Its always been hard, and it wasn’t until three years ago that I was finally comfortable enough in my own skin that I could work up the courage to approach people first both in person and the internet.

 

 

April 10, 2017

Well, it wasn’t too long before I realized that my diet wasn’t going to go as well as I thought.  I got to lunch yesterday before coming to the conclusion that this “egg diet” is not at all healthy or beneficial for someone of my size.  As much as I’d like to lose 25 lbs in ten days – which I don’t see actually happening even with following this diet – I can’t deprive myself and starve.

So, I’ve revised.  I’m gonna count calories and restrict sodium, just like the doctor said.  I’m also gonna try to cut out the carbs – with the exception of white rice, because I just love it.  So day one took a turn but day two has gone well enough.  It was the first day that I had to work while doing this, and I didn’t snack or anything so I’d say it was a success.

Now, I have had takeout two days in a row – but I’ve made healthy choices at both places and I’m pretty proud of that.

I’m also not going to weigh myself every day – cause I’ve learned from experience that that is just gonna drive me crazy.  Although I’d like to see progress and everything, I know its not going to be immediately or daily.  This is a process.  A long process.  So here’s to the journey.

Some Background

I know that I have an about me, but thats supposed to be short and sweet.  My name is Randi, I just turned 28 years old, I live in Ohio with my fiance Justin, and we are getting married in April of 2018 – which is a little over a year away.  He’s the reason I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and he loves me despite the fact that I’m the biggest I’ve ever been.

That fact doesn’t just creep into my thoughts every so often.  Its the other thoughts creep in to that overwhelming fact more often than not.  I’ve been a big girl my whole life…but this is different.

Got a call from my doctor yesterday stating that ALL of my levels were high.  I’m at a severe risk for diabetes.  Oh, and at 346.2lbs that is not surprising at all.  I’ve known and ignored that I’m unhealthy for long enough.  I can’t keep doing it.  There is not a vapid reason for this sudden directional change.  The wedding dress has already been bought, size 26, and I don’t believe for any fractional amount of time that I’ll ever be skinny.  My main concern, wish, dream, goal, is to be healthy.

I’d like to walk and my ankles and knees not hurt under the extreme weight and pressure my own body puts on itself.  I’d like to look in the mirror and not see excess facial hair due to my morbid obesity.  I’d like to not have back problems.  I’d actually love to have a period again.  I’d love to know if I wanted to, I could have a baby, instead of just looking like I am pregnant all the time.

I’d like to look back, and not be traumatized by being made fun of as a child, teen, and adult for my size.  I’d like to not stress eat, bored eat, or celebration eat and just be one of those “eat when you’re hungry” people.

There are a lot of things I’d like.  Too many to name…but I’m the master of my own fate, I make my own luck, and other cliches. I’m the only one who can change it.  And I’m determined to.

hating myself