So this one is going to be a longer post. I’d like to put some stuff out there about what has landed me here. Where I come from, if you will.
I’ve been a big girl as long as I can remember. In pictures I was skinny and normal looking until about 8 or 9, and then a gut happened, and then a bulge under the gut, and then everything has spiraled from there that now I’m basically just…shapes.
I was made fun of for my size through elementary and high school, and although no one has ever said anything to me as an adult (thank you, Resting Bitch Face!) I receive sideways glances and snickers all the time. These situations only make my want to stay home and avoid people worse, and they always have.
As a fourth grader, I was called “Shamu.” As a sixth grader, “biggie.” As a high schooler, “fat,” “chubby,” “gross,” and many other unkind and unfair terms that all centered around the fact that my 5’10” frame held an excess of body weight. The insults eventually stopped, but the weight just climbed, and climbed as my self confidence spiraled and spiraled lower and lower.
As an adult, I’d begin new jobs and feel all eyes on me. While no one ever said anything, the feeling of judgement was still strong, and it would effect my relationships wherever I was working at the time. I’d take weeks to warm up to people and sometimes that is too long.
What people don’t realize is that even if you claim not to care about a person’s size, all humans are prone to judgement and knee jerk reactions. When I go grocery shopping, everyone looks in my cart expecting to see piles of unhealthy food and sweets instead of the fruits, veggies, and grains they find there. I get smirks from the waiters at restaurants and cashiers at fast food restaurants when I order something that is entirely becoming of a fat person – and equally damaging looks when I order something that isn’t.
Its always been hard, and it wasn’t until three years ago that I was finally comfortable enough in my own skin that I could work up the courage to approach people first both in person and the internet.